Linda's Laughter

2008-02-11T00:13:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

* * * * *

A woman in my office who had recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

* * * * *

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?"

* * * * *

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
-- Heinrich Heine

021108

2008-02-10T07:42:00.001-06:00

Sunday Funnies

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.

I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret...

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag!

* * * * *

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."

* * * * *

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"

* * * * *

There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'
-- Frederick L Collins

021008

2008-02-09T08:27:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

* * * * *

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

* * * * *

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked her.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and when I got it out of the oven to season it, the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "It's okay. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

* * * * *

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

020908

2008-02-08T07:50:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.

"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

* * * * *

A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.

"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

* * * * *

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me." My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

* * * * *

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
-- Doctor Who

020108

2008-02-06T23:20:00.001-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.

"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

* * * * *

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

* * * * *

The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

* * * * *

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben

020708

2008-02-05T00:25:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!

* * * * *

During Susy's brother's wedding, her mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at Susy's grandparents. Her grandmother had reached over to her grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start Susy's mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Susy's mom went over to her grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

* * * * *

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

* * * * *

To be great is to be misunderstood.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, An Essay on Self-Reliance

020508

2008-02-04T05:35:00.001-06:00

Monday's Laughter

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."

* * * * *

A group of Americans was traveling on a bus tour through Holland.

One of their stops was at a cheese farm, and the young guide led them through the process of making cheese out of goat's milk. The tour ended with the guide showing the group a lovely, lively hillside where many goats were frolicking and grazing, explaining that when the goats became too old to give milk, they were put out to pasture.

"What do you do in America with your old goats?" the guide inquired.

One spry old gentleman in back spoke up, "They send us on bus tours!"

* * * * *

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

* * * * *

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H. L. Mencken

020408

2008-02-03T10:37:00.001-06:00

Sunday Funnies

As the storm raged, the captain realized that his ship was at her end and was sinking fast.

He pulled himself out onto the deck by his crew and shouted, "Anyone here know how to pray?!"

One man pulled himself forward through the wind, rain, and over the rolling deck. "Aye, Cap'n, I know how to pray!" he shouts.

"Good!" yells back the captain. "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short!"

* * * * *

A little boy named Bobby desperately wanted a new bicycle.

His plan was to save his nickels, dimes, and quarters until he had enough to buy a sleek new 10-speed bicycle. Each night he asked God to help him save his money.

Kneeling beside his bed, he prayed, "Dear Lord, please help me save my money for a new bike, and please, Lord, don't let the ice cream man come down the street again tomorrow!"

* * * * *

On a recent tour of the Capitol Building in Washington, D. C., our guide pointed out a tall, benevolent-looking gentleman and informed us that he was the Congressional Chaplain.

One of the ladies in our group asked, "What does the Chaplain do? Does he pray for both the House and the Senate?"

"No, ma'am," replied the tour guide. "He gets up in the morning, looks at the assembled Congress, and prays for the country!"

* * * * *

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"

020308

2008-02-02T08:26:00.001-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her Mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box, it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

* * * * *

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

* * * * *

My parents have been married for almost 40 years. Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing...

He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.

* * * * *

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-- Jeff Valdez

020208

2008-02-01T10:45:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.

"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

* * * * *

A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.

"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

* * * * *

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale, it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out and finally bought it.

"That'll look great in your home," I said.

"Oh," she replied. "It's not for me." My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"

* * * * *

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
-- Doctor Who

020108

2008-01-29T23:36:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous; my car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee.

I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked.

He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you?"

* * * * *

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide,

"Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?"

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

* * * * *

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

* * * * *

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

013008

2008-01-29T01:41:00.001-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

* * * * *

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

* * * * *

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone..."

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

* * * * *

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
-- Art Spander

012908

2008-01-28T00:47:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

* * * * *

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."

* * * * *

A customer in a bakery was carefully observing all the rich-looking pastries on display behind the counter.

The clerk approached and asked, "What would you like?"

The man answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered cream-filled doughnut, that lemon jelly-filled doughnut, and that Cheese Danish."

Then he sighed and said, "But I'll take that oat bran muffin in the corner."

* * * * *

There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.
-- Pablo Picasso

012808

2008-01-25T23:37:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

* * * * *

I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."

* * * * *

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

* * * * *

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
-- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

012608

2008-01-24T22:56:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The
1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

* * * * *

Employee's Lingo

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

* * * * *

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

* * * * *

Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months.
-- Bill Tammeus, in Toronto's National Newspaper, 1991

012508

2008-01-24T00:04:00.001-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

* * * * *

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

* * * * *

For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their chores around the house.

"I am NOT the maid" is a phrase they've heard many times.

When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself in the men's lavatory,

"I am NOT your mother!"

* * * * *

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy)

012408

2008-01-23T00:48:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

* * * * *

Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town.

Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep.

The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded:

"Nana?"

"Yes?"

"There are 38."

* * * * *

Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.

* * * * *

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
-- William Wrigley Jr.

012308

2008-01-21T23:04:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. "Just remember this," she said. "Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not."

* * * * *

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "

"A rose?" asked Red.

"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

* * * * *

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

* * * * *

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
-- Unknown

012208

2008-01-21T00:49:00.001-06:00

Monday's Laughter

At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

* * * * *

For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.

A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."

* * * * *

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

* * * * *

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
-- James Thurber

012108

2008-01-20T06:44:00.001-06:00

Sunday Funnies

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.

She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

* * * * *

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

* * * * *

5 finger prayer

1. Your thumb is nearest you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger - the smallest finger of all which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

* * * * *

We are none of us infallible--not even the youngest of us.
-- W. H. Thompson

012008

2008-01-18T15:06:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

Happy Birthday to me!

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

* * * * *

The Game Warden spots an old fisherman walking up the pier carrying two buckets. In each bucket is one of the biggest and best looking lobsters he's ever seen. Well, catching lobster is illegal without a license and the Warden stops the fisherman and asks him to produce his license.

"Oh, I wasn't fishing," the old man says, "these are my pets. Everyday I come down to the pier, give 'em my special whistle, and they jump out of the ocean into my buckets and we go for a walk. Then I return them before I go home."

The Warden says, "Nope, don't believe a word of it. I'm going to have to write you up if you can't show me your license."

"Now, now," says the old fisherman, "if you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you. Watch." And he throws the lobsters back into the ocean.

After a moment the Game Warden says to the man, "Okay, give your lobsters that special whistle."

The old fisherman says, "What lobsters?"

* * * * *

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

* * * * *

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
-- Rita Mae Brown

011808

2008-01-17T08:27:00.001-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.

When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

* * * * *

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

"Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"

* * * * *

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

"And this one's even better because it locks."

* * * * *

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.
-- Chester Bowles

011708

2008-01-13T10:49:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

During a recent revival at our church, the evangelist asked the people who had come up to the altar what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing.

The fiery evangelist spit on his finger, grabbed the man's head and slipped his wet finger into his ear while praying loudly and fervently for healing.

When he had finished, he asked the man, "How is your hearing?"

"I don't know," the man replied, "it's next Tuesday."

* * * * *

*More Bulletin Bloopers*

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will begin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

* * * * *

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time.

So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" he asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,

"Which one, the 9:00 a. m. or the 10:30 a. m. service????"

* * * * *

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Niels Bohr

011308

About me

2008-01-12T00:36:00.001-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

* * * * *

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

* * * * *

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

* * * * *

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost

011208

2008-01-10T23:52:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."

He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."

"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?

* * * * *

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

* * * * *

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily.

"It's going to be a mighty noise place at eight o'clock."

* * * * *

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-- Woody Allen

011108

2008-01-09T23:35:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

* * * * *

POLITICAL ONE LINERS

Old politicians never die, they just get more devoted.

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician? One peels from the steeple and the other steals from the people.

Many political conventions in Washington, D. C. adjourn for drinks and dinners at The Shoreham Hotel. One of the most popular drinks offered at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy." Think about it.

A politician is someone who shakes your hand before the election and your confidence after it.

A politician will always be around when he needs you.

What's the difference between golf and politics? In golf, you can't improve your lie.

An old ballroom dance instructor once taught me "The Politician's Dance." It's one step forward, two steps back, slide step, quick step, now turn around!

* * * * *

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

* * * * *

A man's silence is wonderful to listen to.
-- Thomas Hardy

011008

2008-01-08T23:15:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

* * * * *

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

* * * * *

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

* * * * *

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
-- Bob Edwards

010908

2008-01-07T23:11:00.001-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

* * * * *

A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.

"I am learning to drive," was the reply.

"What? without an instructor ?" exclaimed the officer.

"Oh yes," answered the driver. "It's a correspondence course.

* * * * *

SIGNS YOUR COWORKER WANTS TO BE A ROCK STAR

Got her cell phone pierced last week.

Spends coffee breaks writing out autographs on hats, underwear, bare arms, and foreheads.

Already has his Rehab Center picked out.

Refuses to log on to the company servers until all the brown M & M's have been removed from the snack bar.

After a really good PowerPoint® demonstration, tosses his laser pointer into the crowd.

Has to have another group of employees do his work - not quite as well - for the first 30 minutes.

Shouts, "Goodnight, Cleveland!" every time he punches off the clock. Wouldn't be so bad if your company was actually IN Cleveland.

Plays air guitar with his computer keyboard and sings into his pencils.

* * * * *

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge

010808

2008-01-07T01:04:00.001-06:00

Monday's Laughter

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

* * * * *

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

* * * * *

*Signs Your SUV Is Too Big*

~ The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

~ Your garage is larger than your house.

~ One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."

~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.

~ You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.

~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

~ It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.

~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

* * * * *

Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn't.
-- L. L. Henderson

010708

2008-01-06T00:15:00.001-06:00

Sunday Funnies

You've seen most of these...

Christian One Liners

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Don't let your worries get the best of you;
remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the
front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your
church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who
are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person
is by what it takes to......... discourage him.

* * * * *

Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

010607

About me

2008-01-04T23:11:00.001-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

* * * * *

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

* * * * *

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.

He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

* * * * *

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
-- William Safire

010507

2008-01-03T23:55:00.001-06:00

Friday's Laughter

When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.

"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

* * * * *

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

* * * * *

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

* * * * *

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson, (attributed)

010407

2008-01-02T22:58:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

Happy Birthday Glen

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

* * * * *

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

* * * * *

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

* * * * *

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

010307

2008-01-01T23:51:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

* * * * *

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"

* * * * *

"Say Ralph, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?"

"Sorry, I can't."

"Why not?"

"The doctor told me I can't play."

"Oh, so he's been out with you too?"

* * * * *

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
-- Malcolm Forbes

010207

2007-12-31T23:31:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

Happy New Year

Happy Birthday to Mama

Below follows a prayer I received today from Rubel Shelly, author of the Fax of Life newsletter. Regardless of your personal spiritual beliefs, you may identify with some of the same goals.

* * * * *

Holy God of Heaven and Earth,

I know that a thousand years are as a day to you, but we humans are bound up in time. As a
new year is beginning, please teach me to . . .

* care more about people and less about money,
* enjoy my work but not let it enslave me,
* and laugh more easily than I did last year.

As I get ready for 2008, help me to remember things that are easy to forget . . .

* that it might well be my last year,
* that some people are counting on me,
* and that you have things for me to do.

Lord, with the things I have accumulated over the years, please let me . . .

* shake off the monotony of life,
* try some new things in this new year,
* and mend some broken fences.

And, Father of Mercies, please teach me in this new and unspoiled year to . . .

* lighten up and enjoy children, sunsets, reading, and long walks,
* avoid quarrels and work at being a peacemaker in this world,
* and start next year with fewer regrets than I bring to 2008.

I cannot know what this year will bring, and I am grateful for that! But help me . . .

* eat less junk food,
* exercise and take better care of my body,
* and learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Above all other things, Father, I want to be your instrument for . . .

* easing somebody's too-heavy load,
* relieving some sad person's misery,
* and introducing some lost soul to Jesus.

Come what may in the year about to begin, may we live it for your glory, within your will, and
to your delight.

We pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

For back issues and other resources please visit www. RubelShelly. com

* * * * *

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
-- Samuel McChord Crothers, The Gentle Reader

010108

2007-12-30T23:57:00.001-06:00

Monday's Laughter

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

* * * * *

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

* * * * *

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful. You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

* * * * *

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

123107

2007-12-29T22:35:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

IF JERUSALEM HAD REPORT CARDS....

Mid-term Report for Student: J. Christ

ARTS and CRAFTS: B
Obviously has imagination and creativity; student is a good potter ... enjoys working with dirt and water.

COMMUNITY LIVING: A
Very keen on all aspects of community.

CONSUMER EDUCATION: C+
Has interesting ideas about alternative lifestyles, if a bit impractical.

ENGLISH: D+
Understands all aspects of the language but insists on speaking only in parables and metaphor.

GENERAL SCIENCE: D
Although his transmutation of water into wine was the talk of the school for weeks.

GEOGRAPHY: C-
Keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of rock.

GRAPHIC ARTS: D
Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand instead of pencil on paper.

HEALTH: A
Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the human body.

HISTORY: A
Excellent pupil of ancient history, especially religious history.

HOME ECONOMICS: A+
This kid really knows how to stretch a loaf of bread and a fish fillet!

MATHEMATICS: E
Cannot seem to grasp fundamentals. Keeps going on about "The Father and I are One."

MUSIC and DRAMA: B+
A keen member of the school choir; at times can be frighteningly dramatic.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION: D-
Student particularly upset the swim coach when he insisted on walking across the pool instead of doing the butterfly kick.

RELIGION: D
When asked "Who made the world?" student persisted in answering "My Dad."

WOODWORKING: A
Excellent carpentry. Obviously had help at home.

TEACHER'S SUMMARY
This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in the company of publicans and sinners. He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform.

* * * * *

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

* * * * *

The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him.

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."

* * * * *

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
-- Thomas A. Edison

123007

About me

2007-12-28T22:11:00.001-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Bystander: It's a girl; she's my daughter.

Man: Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!

Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

* * * * *

After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.

"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.

"My recruiter."

* * * * *

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

However, he had a slight problem: he couldn't remember the names of the two individuals who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Almost immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men walked down the aisle to the front of the church.

* * * * *

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
-- Carl Zwanzig

122907

2007-12-28T11:18:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.

Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

* * * * *

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"

* * * * *

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

* * * * *

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
-- Ernest Hemingway

122807

2007-12-26T14:17:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas, I'm tired and sore;
My living room looks like it's been through a war.
With paper and presents strewn all about,
It will take us six weeks to clean up, no doubt.

The children had run all amok from their bed,
And now there's a pounding deep inside my head.
The screaming, the tearing, the squealing of joy
As each gift revealed a shiny, new toy.

I'd wanted to get Mom a gift that would melt her;
Now all I want is some warm Alka Seltzer.
The noise of the kids and their gifts clang away;
I don't think we'll see the cat until May.

The post-Christmas blues have nearly set in;
The things that I bought I've started regrettin'
The gifts that I got may make my life easy,
But my spirit is woozy, perhaps even queasy.

We mustn't forget the babe in the manger;
Amidst all this stuff, his tale's in danger.
And now he will grow from baby to Lord;
Meanwhile the kids are all saying, "I'm bored!"

So the lesson, this day after Christmas, I learn;
Is the stuff that we buy has no power to turn
Our hearts to the path that is narrow and true;
That must come from his love, and the faith that's in you.

[written by Mark Raymond, in honor of my Dad ... Clifford John Raymond]

* * * * *

She Was So Blonde That

- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- She studied for a blood test.

- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

- She sold the car for gas money!

* * * * *

The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

* * * * *

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-- Walter Bagehot

122607

2007-12-25T08:53:00.001-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

Merry Christmas

* * * * *

Click on the link below to receive my Christmas greeting card:

Merry Christmas

122507

2007-12-24T07:09:00.001-06:00

Monday's Laughter

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses.

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!

* * * * *

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

* * * * *

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

* * * * *

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-- Walter Bagehot

122407

2007-12-22T23:25:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday morning, that they were not attending church, and the fish were not biting.

The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and gone to church."

To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed."

* * * * *

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. This I've got to see, I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out, and drove off.

* * * * *

Jane's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man replied while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand.

"I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

* * * * *

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

122307

About me

2007-12-21T22:28:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

1 CORINTHIANS 13 - CHRISTMAS VERSION

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata, but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

- Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
- Love sets aside decorating to kiss the spouse.
- Love is kind, though harried and tired.
- Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
- Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way.
- Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
- Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
- Love never fails.

Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust. But giving the gift of love will endure.

Merry Christmas!

-- Author Unknown

* * * * *

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

* * * * *

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"

* * * * *

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
-- Ethel Mumford

122207

2007-12-21T06:46:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software.

One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.

Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?"

"Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied.

"So, what happens if you press [key combination]?"

"Nothing."

"Well, humor me. Do it for me."

"Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.

It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

* * * * *

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said.

"Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?"

"I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

* * * * *

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

* * * * *

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes

122107

2007-12-20T03:30:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

* * * * *

SAYINGS BY MUSICIANS

"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them." Richard Strauss

"One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music." Jack Daney

" After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." Aldous Huxley

"Music is, by its very nature, essentially powerless to express anything at all. Music expresses itself. " Igor Stravinsky

"Hell is full of musical amateurs." George Bernard Shaw

"The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!" Panama Francis

"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins." Dizzy Gillespie on playing the trumpet

"Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one." Duke Ellington

"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time." Omette Coleman

"We never play anything the same way once. " Shelly Manne's definition of jazz musicians

"Someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't." AI Cohn's definition of a gentleman

"Music is a very hard instrument." Vido Musso

"The only tune they play in 4/4 is 'Take Five!"' (unknown-talking about the Don Ellis band)

"If I could play like Wynton (Marsalis), I wouldn't play like Wynton. Chet Baker

"I'm too old to pimp, and too young to die, so I'm just gon' keep playin'. Clark Terry

A great teacher is one who realizes that he himself is also a student and whose goal is not dictate the answers, but to stimulate his students creativity enough so that they go out and find the answers themselves." Herbie Hancock

"To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse. Jack Daney

"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already," Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.

"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve." Xavier Cugat

"[Musicians talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art." Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

"Only become. a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living." Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

What is the voice of song, when the world lacks the ear of taste?" Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats." Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan,

"If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation. " Oscar Wilde

"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together." Mel Brooks

"Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years." William F. Buckley, Jr.

"You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow." Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." Mark Twain

"Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently." James Gibbons Hunekar

"If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder." Walter Oamrosch on Aaron Copland

"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major." Sergei Prokofiev

"I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion ?" Oimitri Mitropolous

"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way. " Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

"Already too loud! " Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments.

"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano." Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis DilIer

"In opera, there is always too much singing." Claude Debussy

"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!" Giacchino Rossini

"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the twentieth century that has made giant strides in reverse." Bing Crosby

" A ponderous orchestral absurdity." Frank Zappa on his rock symphony debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic

"The bottom line of any country is, what did we contribute to the world? We contributed Louis Armstrong." Tony Bennett

"It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing!" -Duke Ellington

* * * * *

I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper.

He looked puzzled, and I explained, "You know; it's the place where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."

My son picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and threw his clothes on the floor on his dad's side of the bed.

* * * * *

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
Let the reader catch his own breath.
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

122007

2007-12-18T22:28:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?"

"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?"

"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!"

* * * * *

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

* * * * *

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

* * * * *

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns

121907

2007-12-17T23:51:00.001-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

* * * * *

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

* * * * *

A famous explorer was asked to lecture at a prestigious university about his well-known travels throughout Africa.

"Can you imagine," he began, "a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds and slices of meat ripped from the belly of certain animals? Then they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, and smear it with a greasy mess they've concocted out of the mammary secretions of yet another animal."

The students looked startled and some even a bit queasy at such barbarism.

The explorer then added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and buttered toast. Now, about Africa...."

* * * * *

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

121807

2007-12-16T23:16:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," he replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

* * * * *

Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."

"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

* * * * *

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

* * * * *

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else.
-- Cullen Hightower

121707

2007-12-15T22:52:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

GOOD NEWS // BAD NEWS
(Pastoral Edition)

Good News: The Women's Bible Study voted to send you a get well card.
Bad News: The vote was 12-11, with one abstention.

Good News: The Staff-Parish Team accepted the job description you'd written just the way
you wrote it.
Bad News: They're now looking for someone who can actually do it that way.

Good News: The Trustees finally agreed to add more parking lot space to church property.
Bad News: They're going to pave your front yard with asphalt.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic has left your congregation.
Bad News: To accept an appointment as Bishop of your Conference.

Good News: The church youth decided to visit your house.
Bad News: In the middle of the night, with an awful lot of toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The church accepted your request for a trip to the Middle East.
Bad News: They're only paying for airfare to Baghdad.

Good News: Your congregation held a moment of silent respect for the passing of a faithful
member.
Bad News: It was a wild turkey. No, really, an *actual* turkey!

* * * * *

Choir Tardiness Test

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir
member, the following test has been carefully developed by
experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then
select the option that will enhance the quality of the
performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and
suddenly trip and fall down. You should:
a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend that you've had a heart attack.
c. Crawl into the nearest chair.

2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result
you boom out a high "C" one measure too soon. You should:
a. Slide into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."
b. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up
twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You
should:
a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistry.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and
then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the
choir during the blackout.
d. Read M. Stephen's pamphlet "Techniques for Tardy
Appearances."

4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a
two page hymn. You should:
a. Hum for your life.
b. Sing "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with
your feet.
d. Sing the first page over again.

5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the
end of the choir special. You should:
a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor's foot
to create a diversion.
b. Try to make it harmonize.
c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of
you to muffle the noise.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and
find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A's... there is nothing more you need to know to
be a first rate choir member.

4 or more B's... your church choir reflexes are fully
developed and you should do well in choir.

4 or more C's... your church choral experience is spotty
but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset
to most any choir.

4 or more D's... it is recommended you take soccer or group
therapy counseling.

* * * * *

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when
6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"

Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit need to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

* * * * *

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams

121607

About me

2007-12-15T16:33:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

Christmas Riddles

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

* * * * *

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."

The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrofobic."

* * * * *

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

* * * * *

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
-- Will Rogers

121507

2007-12-14T02:48:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's pre- diction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

* * * * *

One of the students in my college seminar could not take his final exam because of a funeral, so I told him he could make it up the following week.

The following week rolled around and he said he couldn't take it then due to another funeral.

"Well, alright," I said, "but you'll *have* to take the test next week. I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take it next week for sure," he replied, "unless someone else dies."

Well, that raised the red flag of my suspicion even higher. "How can so many people you know pass away in just three weeks?"

"Oh, I don't know any of these people," he answered, "but I'm the only gravedigger in town."

* * * * *

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

* * * * *

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.
-- Eugene McCarthy

121407

2007-12-13T00:22:00.001-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

*Have Yourself a Microsoft Christmas*

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, as Papa did last-minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of computer games danced in their heads. PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, and Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, to santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com - Which has now been re-routed to Washington State because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle to flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, with a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, and a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way from where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens in black Gucci boots and red Calvin jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, here they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS with the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, from now on Christmas runs only on Win95. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through, it is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, it's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, and on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, and a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter's nap, when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, the whir and the hum of our satellite platter, as it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, the SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, my computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,

"A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

* * * * *

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

* * * * *

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

* * * * *

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
-- Jules Renard

121307

2007-12-11T20:31:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

I publish from Oklahoma which has been hard hit by wintery freezing rain that caused great disruption of much electrical service. This did not directly affect me, but something caused our internet connection to go down for about a day.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

* * * * *

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember... I don't mind going back to prison."

* * * * *

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

* * * * *

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
-- Shana Alexander

121207

2007-12-09T23:52:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

* * * * *

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

* * * * *

An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."

"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

* * * * *

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.
-- Evan Esar, Esar's Comic Dictionary

121007

2007-12-09T00:19:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

When my children were little, I read the Nativity story out of our big family Bible every Christmas morning.

When my youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation that she would understand.

Before I could reply, however, my husband said, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

* * * * *

Someone has stated that the three
phrases that best sum up the Christmas
season are:

"Peace on Earth",
"Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."

* * * * *

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I get to heaven?"

Little Tommy in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Tommy, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

* * * * *

The best minds are not in government.
If any were, business would hire them away.
-- Ronald Reagan

120907

About me

2007-12-07T23:23:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

* * * * *

Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

* * * * *

Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one night. To avoid being seen by anyone they decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.

"Who's there?" asked the rich man.

"Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat. Convinced that it was only a cat the rich man went back to watching the television. After a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.

"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.

Convinced that he could trick the rich man the second thief replied quite confidently:

" It's just another cat, sir!"

* * * * *

Read, every day, something no one else is reading.
Think, every day, something no one else is thinking.
Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do.
It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
-- Christopher Morley

120807

2007-12-07T00:09:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was in the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them.

Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks.

"Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked.

"I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair."

* * * * *

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Kathryn?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

* * * * *

It was my first time in a casino, and I wanted to play the slot machines. Catching the eye of an attendant, I said, "Excuse me, but I've never played before. How does this machine work?"

The man showed me how to insert my coins, push the buttons telling the machine how many of them to bet, and pull the lever or hit the "Spin" button.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He pointed to a machine against the wall, smiled and said, "Most people find the only sure place the money comes out is from the ATM machine."

* * * * *

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.
-- Thomas A. Edison

120707

2007-12-06T09:53:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

Happy Birthday Glendel

As a Teacher's Assistant at a public school, part of my job involves working with small groups of children.

One day I was in charge of a few second-graders, who were working diligently and concentrating on their artwork.

As I sat down and reached across the little table to help a student, he remarked that something smelled good.

I was pleased that he had noticed my new perfume and was just about to say something when I saw him hold a felt-tip marker up to his nose and give a big sniff.

"Yep," he said, "new markers!"

* * * * *

During the Persian Gulf War, my Marine Corps unit had to dig foxholes every time we changed positions. Once, when a private was making his trench, he complained to our sergeant, "Why do we have to do this stupid digging?"

Then there was a loud exlosion a hundred feet away.

"What was that?" asked the private.

"That," replied the sergeant, is called incentive."

* * * * *

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

* * * * *

Why do advertisements say "new and improved" How can it be new if it's been improved?

120607

2007-12-05T01:01:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving, Emily

Dec. 26 Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always, Emily

Dec. 27 My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted, Emily

Dec. 28 Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily

Dec. 29 Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you, Emily

Dec. 30 Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily

Dec. 31 Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily

Jan. 2 Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, cavorting round the green, and it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!

Emily

Jan 3

As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5 Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am,

Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law

* * * * *

Three Stages of Man

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

* * * * *

Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality.
-- George Santayana

120507

2007-12-04T00:01:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

Happy Birthday Dana

...I was in the hospital again for a week.

When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.

A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe even thirty years younger."

* * * * *

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was con- cerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you?"

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

* * * * *

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

* * * * *

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
-- George Bernard Shaw

120407

2007-11-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

My husband, a U. S. Coast Guard pilot, was doing a tour of duty on an exchange program with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gate was required to hold up their official identification card for inspection by the guards.

Over the years, the guards got to know the cars and drivers and so instead of coming to a complete stop, the driver would merely slow down and flash his ID, at which point the guards would wave the car through.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as merely their driver's license, just to see how far one of them could go in fooling the gate guards.

The winner was a fellow who breezed through the gates one day waving a piece of toast.

* * * * *

Tips to Improve Your Writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the I antecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

* * * * *

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

* * * * *

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
-- Peter Ustinov

112307

2007-11-21T15:04:00.001-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

TODAY'S FORECAST:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high of 350 degrees. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 degrees in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat turkey sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

* * * * *

The ABCs of Thanksgiving

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory... where none are ever sad!

* * * * *

Thanksgiving Blessing

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your holiday turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy
Have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious
May your pie take the prize
May your Holiday Dinner
Stay off your thighs.

* * * * *

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.
-- Colette

112107

2007-11-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

* * * * *

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...

- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

* * * * *

While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

* * * * *

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
-- Wilson Mizner

112007

2007-11-18T23:09:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

TALKING TURKEY

What does a turkey say? "Gobble, gobble, gobble"? Not always!

A jewelry-lovin' turkey? "Bauble bauble bauble"

A dyslexic turkey say? "Boggle boggle boggle"

A turkey in the shoe repair shop say? "Cobble cobble cobble"

A turkey with a sore leg say? "Hobble hobble hobble."

A football turkey say? "Huddle, huddle, huddle"

A dieting turkey: "Nibble, nibble nibble."

A one-legged Cockney turkey "'Obble 'obble 'obble"

A turkey who argues a lot: "Squabble squabble squabble."

What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say? "Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble."

Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went: "Wobble wobble wobble!"

* * * * *

'TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

* * * * *

THE TRUTH ABOUT THANKSGIVING
... edited from a longer piece written by Jonathan P. Bernick

This week America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United States, "Thursday."

Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated.

Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its taste and texture.

Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.

Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to schools, colleges and universities will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease from education. The students are pretty happy about the long weekend vacation, too.

* * * * *

Never answer a critic, unless he's right.
-- Bernard M. Baruch

111907

2007-11-17T23:35:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

The District Superintendent will be meeting with the church boared.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Fifth Sinday is Lent.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful... piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

* * * * *

The Prodigal Son Parable in the Key of "F"

Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey', he said, 'My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the frazzled fugitive found feverishly, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour.'

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching frantically flagged the flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.' But the fugitive's fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the former folderol. His fury flashed.

But fussing was futile, for the far-sighted father figured, such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is found! "Unfurl the flags, with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely flow!" "Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken! And forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude."

* * * * *

"One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"

* * * * *

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
-- Dorothy Parker

111807

About me

2007-11-16T22:58:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a lock that was incorrectly installed.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied. "Maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," replied the voice.

* * * * *

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

* * * * *

You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...

- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

- When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

- When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

- When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

- When you can do hexadecimal arithmetic in your head.

- When your wife goes to the market for some Macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

* * * * *

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

111707

2007-11-15T23:05:00.001-06:00

Friday's Laughter

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!'

The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.'

'How do you do that?' says the other.

'It's easy! I turn off the light!'

* * * * *

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A GEEK WEDDING

10. Guests throw USB drives instead of rice.

9. Wedding rings are simple gold bands ... engraved in Elvish.

8. The bride and groom figures on top of the cake are their characters from "Dungeons and Dragons."

7. Whoever catches the bouquet is the next to upgrade to Vista.

6. The wedding party comes down the aisle to the tune of "The Imperial March" from Star Wars.

5. There's no band at the reception. All the music is provided by synchronized iPods.

4. The wedding pictures and video are immediately uploaded to YouTube.

3. To complete her wedding ensemble, the bride uses a Bluetooth headset for her "something blue" item.

2. The ushers are wearing Starfleet uniforms.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE AT A GEEK WEDDING?

1. Instead of saying "I do" at the conclusion of their vows, the bride and groom say, "Make it so, Number One."

* * * * *

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" the man asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

* * * * *

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.
They get run over.
-- Aneurin Bevan

111607

2007-11-14T22:41:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "There! I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

"Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00. What is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!"

* * * * *

I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by, and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.

"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him.

Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that?"

* * * * *

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

* * * * *

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
-- Orson Welles

111507

2007-11-13T22:52:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

* * * * *

I remember an old car I used to own. You know the kind, ratty and raggedy, driven when I was a poor college student. I was having trouble with something I couldn't readily identify myself, so I took it into the shop.

The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too confused. "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"That's part of the problem" he said. "What you really need to do is lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then the next day you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."

* * * * *

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.

"No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

* * * * *

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
-- George Carlin

111407

2007-11-11T23:51:00.000-06:00

Monday's Laughter

Gardening Rule: when weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

It all too often seems like there are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel rather strange someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

* * * * *

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed... and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

* * * * *

Let's Dance!

Life is short,

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for,

but while we're here we should dance....

* * * * *

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
-- Mae West

111207

2007-11-10T23:25:00.000-06:00

Sunday Funnies

Remember Veterans

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

* * * * *

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One Hundred and one". "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

* * * * *

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate... why am I still driving around in a thimble?

* * * * *

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
-- Kin Hubbard

111107

About me

2007-11-09T22:20:00.000-06:00

Saturday's Laughter

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

* * * * *

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

* * * * *

Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert.

When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience.

* * * * *

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

111007

2007-11-08T22:55:00.000-06:00

Friday's Laughter

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

* * * * *

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

8. You could sell shade.

9. Your blood type is Ragu.

10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

* * * * *

When a new permanent at the beauty salon turned out to be a disaster, I phoned my husband and issued a one-line warning: "Don't say anything about my hair when I come home."

During dinner that evening, we discussed the weather, his day at the office ... anything but my hair. I began to feel uneasy at his studious attempts to avoid the topic.

Finally, when we were washing the dishes, he said in a serious tone, "You'd better go now. My wife will be home at any moment, and it would be better if she didn't find me with a strange woman."

* * * * *

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
-- Quentin Crisp

110907

2007-11-07T22:54:00.000-06:00

Thursday's Laughter

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night,

"Grandma, where did I come from?"

I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in- law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?"

"The stork brought her, too."

"OK, then.... where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, dear."

"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper... "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

* * * * *

The Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

* * * * *

Signs That You Are Cheap

1. You attend a weekly coupon club.

2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.

5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.

6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.

7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.

8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.

9. Matinee. Every time.

10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.

* * * * *

I used to wake up at 4 A. M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
-- James Thurber

110807

2007-11-06T22:21:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's Laughter

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him," she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

* * * * *

YOU MIGHT BE IN A "REDNECK" VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT IF....

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing ... on the way to a fire.

Your firehouse has wheels.

Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire and swapping fish stories.

You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their property.

You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire truck.

Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.

Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.

Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than it's been *to* a fire.

* * * * *

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

* * * * *

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-- Anatole France

100707

2007-11-05T23:34:00.000-06:00

Tuesday's Laughter

I am not finished with my cancer treatment--indeed, I know that more surgery is in my future--but, I thought I would re-start Laughter. I will publish it as often as I can. LKP

Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'"

Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

* * * * *

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over.

Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out,

"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

* * * * *

Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a. m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p. m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

* * * * *

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.
-- Max Frisch

110607